The Website for Aspiring Barbarians

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Grüte's Epic Journey. Map prepared by Grüte Skullbasher.

Grüte parks his Camaro Z28 (1) in the handicapped zone and runs into the store, leaving the engine running.  Once inside, he stops to eat a roasted leg of lamb he finds lying on the ground (2) and he feels slightly healthier.  At the butcher shop (3), Grüte asks for two whole cows, skinned, and lifts their carcasses onto his mighty shoulders. Dripping blood all over the store, Grüte meanders past row after row of snacks to find some cases of high-quality Bunglorian beer (4), which is made by mixing fermented barley with horse tranquilizers.  His hands are full so he shoves the beer inside the cows and runs past the cash registers.  The supermarket security force (5) attempts to stop him, but he is able to crush them and return to his car to slow-roast the cows on the hood while he drinks the cases of beer and blasts Mötörhead out of the radio.  Barbarian bikini babes arrive (not pictured) to dance, ululate, and celebrate his triumphant return.

Also read part 1!

One of the institutions that causes a lot of confusion to barbarians is known as the “Grocery” or “Supermarket”.  For millions of years, puny civilized people have gathered within these massive refrigerated warehouses to purchase Twinkies, Doritos, and lo-fat mayonnaise.  Barbarians prefer to catch, kill, and defile their own food, but with the environment going to hell and wild camels disappearing from America, sometimes a barbarian must attempt to leap across the cultural divide into the limp, pathetic arms of mankind’s most embarrassing public space.

The forbidding snack aisle of a modern supermarket.

Grüte Skullbasher found himself in an unusually nonviolent mood on Saturday, Oct 15. After drinking 157 oz. of fermented ostrich blood, he crashed through a window into New York City Comic-Con 2011. He staggered around for a while, and no one was safe. Thankfully, astute photographer John Burns caught photos of the many innocent people that Grüte abducted, all of them unaware that his outfit was not a costume!

Grüte with some Amazons from Boxhead Studio

Tax time in America is always around the corner, so it’s time to start preparing your paperwork. Thankfully, barbarians residing in the United States might not have to pay much this year. The Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell (R-KY), has teamed with the House Majority Cat-o-Nine-Tails, Forehead Bloodslurp (R-BQ), to craft the Preventing Indigent Residents from Ventures Into Self-determination and Hope Act (“PIRVISH”) which will exempt tax payments for the following sources of income:

– lunch money beaten out of children, in cumulative excess of $1.50
– sales of other people’s property

1. Ice.  Ice can be used to make alcoholic frozen drinks, which are popular among loose Amazons in the summertime.  To make the drinks, gargle some tequila, then crush the ice with your massive jaws and spit the results out into a highball glass.  Throw in some crabgrass for an excellent garnish.

2. Mice.  Crushed mice make a great stew, as do rats, shrews, moles, voles, marmots, opossums, skunks, and, if you’re into foreign cuisine, tamarins.

3. Other people’s toes.  A proper barbarian weighs somewhere around 300 pounds, so if you’re just feeling like having some fun, try stomping on other people’s feet when you’re riding in the elevator.  They’ll be terrified and they’ll have no place to run!

4. Globes.  They still have them in libraries sometimes. (Libraries are those places full of free books and are always a great source of fun, being highly flammable.)  If you find a globe, demonstrate your feelings toward civilization by assaulting its false notion of a spherical planet!  In other words, flatten it!

5. Nipples.  Technically this is pinching more than it is crushing, but in any case, it is fun, whether they are someone else’s or your own.

6. Televisions.  Especially old ones.  Make sure to plug them in first.  It’s probably the most fun you can have crushing something.  It’s also fun to crush other people’s cellular telephones, laptops, and tablet computers.  For best results, use a sledge hammer or a morning star.

7. Watermelons.  Gallagher was right!  What could be more satisfying than the spray of chunky green rinds and wet pink meat you get from a warhammer applied directly to a watermelon?  Well, maybe human heads, but those should be reserved for combat, not smashing as a lazy weekend pastime.

8. Flowers.  If you’re male, this is a great way to begin a date: buy a bouquet of flowers to show off your phony romantic side, then thrash them against the sidewalk to show your total lack of sensitivity. Girls hate whiny sensitive types. As long as the petals are still attached, you’re not done.  Keep smashing them on the street until the petals are shredded, the stems are a fine powder, and the paper and cellophane are full of holes.  Afterwards, bill your date for the cost of the bouquet.

9. Giant spiders. For best results, use a shoe the size of a Volkswagen.

10.  Your enemies.  If you’ve already crushed all your enemies, it’s time to make new ones.  Try dumping your garbage in front of your neighbor’s house, abducting and enslaving their children, and lighting their car on fire.  Voila: instant enemy– and very fun to crush!!

Click the grimacing barbarian to see a new barbarian t-shirt design from our illustrator, Joshua Kemble!