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Understanding the Supermarket, Part 2: Grüte’s Epic Journey

Grüte Skullbasher at Mordor-Mart Mega-Mart

Grüte's Epic Journey. Map prepared by Grüte Skullbasher.

Grüte parks his Camaro Z28 (1) in the handicapped zone and runs into the store, leaving the engine running.  Once inside, he stops to eat a roasted leg of lamb he finds lying on the ground (2) and he feels slightly healthier.  At the butcher shop (3), Grüte asks for two whole cows, skinned, and lifts their carcasses onto his mighty shoulders. Dripping blood all over the store, Grüte meanders past row after row of snacks to find some cases of high-quality Bunglorian beer (4), which is made by mixing fermented barley with horse tranquilizers.  His hands are full so he shoves the beer inside the cows and runs past the cash registers.  The supermarket security force (5) attempts to stop him, but he is able to crush them and return to his car to slow-roast the cows on the hood while he drinks the cases of beer and blasts Mötörhead out of the radio.  Barbarian bikini babes arrive (not pictured) to dance, ululate, and celebrate his triumphant return.

Also read part 1!

 

Barbarian Interest: Understanding the Supermarket (Part 1)

One of the institutions that causes a lot of confusion to barbarians is known as the “Grocery” or “Supermarket”.  For millions of years, puny civilized people have gathered within these massive refrigerated warehouses to purchase Twinkies, Doritos, and lo-fat mayonnaise.  Barbarians prefer to catch, kill, and defile their own food, but with the environment going to hell and wild camels disappearing from America, sometimes a barbarian must attempt to leap across the cultural divide into the limp, pathetic arms of mankind’s most embarrassing public space.

the forbidding snack aisle

The forbidding snack aisle of a modern supermarket.

Grüte Skullbasher at NYC Comic-Con 2011

Grüte Skullbasher found himself in an unusually nonviolent mood on Saturday, Oct 15. After drinking 157 oz. of fermented ostrich blood, he crashed through a window into New York City Comic-Con 2011. He staggered around for a while, and no one was safe. Thankfully, astute photographer John Burns caught photos of the many innocent people that Grüte abducted, all of them unaware that his outfit was not a costume!

Grüte with some Amazons from Boxhead Studio

Grüte with some Amazons from Boxhead Studio

 

The Barbarian Conquest of Rome, 400-500 CE

As the Roman empire crumbled in the fifth century CE, everyone wanted a piece.

 

Conquest of Rome, 400-500 CE

The Barbarian Conquest of Rome, 400-500 CE. (Map by Joshua Kemble. Click for larger version.)

 

 

 

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Yaks (But Were Afraid to Ask)

As Genghis Khan famously declared, “Nothing comes between a barbarian and his yak.” Or, as Charles Manson put it, “A barbarian without a yak is like a basketball full of lymph.” I’m not sure what he meant, but the sentiment is clear. So if you don’t already own one, it’s time for you to sell your kids and a buy a yak. Here are some tips for selecting a good one.

 

1. Different breeds have different specialties. Know why you’re getting a yak: as a working animal, for food, or for love?

Striped Yak (or Mandrill Yak)

The Striped Yak (also known as the Mandrill Yak) is popular with children and Muppets.

Barbarian How-To: Surviving an Art Museum

Art museums can be desperately boring places if you’re not looting them, but every now and then you should visit one just to remind yourself why you hate civilization so much. There are a number of ways to entertain yourself while you’re there.  Have no fear, you don’t have to “get” “art” to have a good time!

1. Bring a set of paints to fix the paintings. Don’t forget your broadsword– you’ll need it if the security guards get all up in your face.

BEFORE: an old dull-ass painting by some loser in France or someplace

AFTER: a masterpiece!!

Barbarian How-To: How to File Your Taxes

Tax time in America is always around the corner, so it’s time to start preparing your paperwork. Thankfully, barbarians residing in the United States might not have to pay much this year. The Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell (R-KY), has teamed with the House Majority Cat-o-Nine-Tails, Forehead Bloodslurp (R-BQ), to craft the Preventing Indigent Residents from Ventures Into Self-determination and Hope Act (“PIRVISH”) which will exempt tax payments for the following sources of income:

– lunch money beaten out of children, in cumulative excess of $1.50
– sales of other people’s property

Barbarian Poetry: To My Coy and Rancid Hag

To My Coy and Rancid Hag

This barbaric poem was discovered inside a Bazooka bubble gum wrapper that was laying next to the Dead Sea Scrolls. Some scholars say it was written by Kundar Grizzlefist (368-411 CE), while other scholars say that’s a load of crapola.  All scholars agree, however, that it was written sometime in the last 120,000 years. 

10 Things That Are Fun To Crush

1. Ice.  Ice can be used to make alcoholic frozen drinks, which are popular among loose Amazons in the summertime.  To make the drinks, gargle some tequila, then crush the ice with your massive jaws and spit the results out into a highball glass.  Throw in some crabgrass for an excellent garnish.

2. Mice.  Crushed mice make a great stew, as do rats, shrews, moles, voles, marmots, opossums, skunks, and, if you’re into foreign cuisine, tamarins.

3. Other people’s toes.  A proper barbarian weighs somewhere around 300 pounds, so if you’re just feeling like having some fun, try stomping on other people’s feet when you’re riding in the elevator.  They’ll be terrified and they’ll have no place to run!

4. Globes.  They still have them in libraries sometimes. (Libraries are those places full of free books and are always a great source of fun, being highly flammable.)  If you find a globe, demonstrate your feelings toward civilization by assaulting its false notion of a spherical planet!  In other words, flatten it!

5. Nipples.  Technically this is pinching more than it is crushing, but in any case, it is fun, whether they are someone else’s or your own.

6. Televisions.  Especially old ones.  Make sure to plug them in first.  It’s probably the most fun you can have crushing something.  It’s also fun to crush other people’s cellular telephones, laptops, and tablet computers.  For best results, use a sledge hammer or a morning star.

7. Watermelons.  Gallagher was right!  What could be more satisfying than the spray of chunky green rinds and wet pink meat you get from a warhammer applied directly to a watermelon?  Well, maybe human heads, but those should be reserved for combat, not smashing as a lazy weekend pastime.

8. Flowers.  If you’re male, this is a great way to begin a date: buy a bouquet of flowers to show off your phony romantic side, then thrash them against the sidewalk to show your total lack of sensitivity. Girls hate whiny sensitive types. As long as the petals are still attached, you’re not done.  Keep smashing them on the street until the petals are shredded, the stems are a fine powder, and the paper and cellophane are full of holes.  Afterwards, bill your date for the cost of the bouquet.

9. Giant spiders. For best results, use a shoe the size of a Volkswagen.

10.  Your enemies.  If you’ve already crushed all your enemies, it’s time to make new ones.  Try dumping your garbage in front of your neighbor’s house, abducting and enslaving their children, and lighting their car on fire.  Voila: instant enemy– and very fun to crush!!

 

Barbarian Religions: The Floobers

The modern-day Floobers of Flathead Forest worship the wisdom of Dr. Seuss’ “Fox in Socks”. In the canon of world religions, it is one of very few holy books imbued with sacred sublimity written at the barbarian reading level, so they have taken it deeply to heart. In the Floober philosophy, Mr. Fox is the holy trinity of god, man, and quadruped. His ultimate undoing, when Mr. Knox traps Mr. Fox in a bottle, represents man’s fate.

The Floobers’ epicurean queen, Kiki Koko, recently decreed a monthly celebration to honor the epic “tweetle beetle battle” described in those pages. The philistine festivities function as follows:

First, fifteen foppish Floobers freshen fifty fancy forks for poking puny pinholes in peppered Polish pork. Freckly Floober singers fry flat frog fingers and feed five fingers to forty fatty swingers. Fitter Floober swingers forge four French flutes and feast on ferret feet and free fresh fruits. Flabby Floober fathers and purebred peasants tie ten tan tethers to well-fed pheasants so plucking plush feathers won’t be unpleasant. The cocky Floober queen then claps her hands and clasps three clams and cleans those cockles. Czech chicken chunks and chili cheese powder she chucks in the chowder (a kitchen debacle). Coquettish queen Kiki claims her quaint clams can quell a commotion, compel a compulsion, and cause a convulsion in quirky curmudgeons. She cooks canned Quahogs, crunchy crushed kumquats, curried crab crackers and calf-cream croissants. She eats the grub, scrubs the tub, and clubs a chubby cougar cub.

 

Barbarian Movie Review: Kilma, Queen of the Amazons (1975)

Kilma, Queen of the Amazons (Kilma, La Reina de las Amazonas). A Spanish production filmed around Barcelona, directed by Miguel Iglesias Bonns.

Rating: 2/5 Golden Axes

A Golden AxeA Golden Axe

Summary: A thrilling island adventure that questions our understanding of civilization, barbarism, and prehistoric notions of femininity, and dares to synthesize them into a coherent statement about modernity.  Aw, who am I kidding?

 

Kilma, Queen of the Amazons, and Dan Robinson share a tender moment with a musket. Why is this the first picture in this review? Because, unlike the director, I didn't want to waste a lot of time with the movie's plot before showing the movie's title character.

 

Movie Title for Kilma, Queen of the Amazons (1975)

This is the name of the movie, not the name of the boat.

Joshua Kemble at Threadless

Click the grimacing barbarian to see a new barbarian t-shirt design from our illustrator, Joshua Kemble!
What Is Best In Life - Threadless, Best T-shirts Ever

Did You Know?

King Alaric of the Visigoths (c. 375-410 CE), famous for sacking Rome, was celebrated across the known world for his sequined loincloth. To this day he remains a gay icon.

 

Barbarian Poetry: Tho’ She Hearns the Goggy Rostum

Tho’ She Hearns the Goggy Rostum

This is an astoundingly popular Scots Celtic love song from the 8th century, but historians have absolutely no idea what it actually means. Some have suggested it contains fragments of a secret code. Others say it is just doggerel verse or outright gibberish. It was last performed in 1621 at the court of King James I (James VI of Scotland), who immediately sentenced the minstrel to death by stoning.

Tho’ she hearns the goggy rostum
On mae wyzzled bairns o’ yore,
An’ gurdles all the shaegans
An’ then gurdles them some mar’,
I dinnae kenna naen she fleps
an’ shurgles on the floore–
She’s curdy an’ she’s perdy an’
I’ll lof’ ‘er evermar’.

Froom the fyords o’ frenghie Naurweigh
To the Edinboro shaure,
Froom the haggis plase in Glasgo’
To the haggis plase necks daure,
She’ll ne’er know I pyne fir ‘er
Or gemp ‘er pinafores–
She’ll ne’er tayste mae mumble-shroom
Or quagh its loughin’ spaures.

Her keirghans, ever-lastynge,
her plunters gullytine,
her neeps are scut wi’ paurridge
an’ her yurgoes taste o’ wyne.
I ken I’ll alweighs lof ‘er
an’ skreigh mae spilly yairns
Auntil our greppy slumbernunks
all linger ‘neath the cairns.
Ay, ’til our gloopy globbies laye
a-ling’rin’ ‘neath the cairns.

Barbarian Movie Review: Hundra (1983)

Hundra (1983) Starring Laurene Landon, directed by Matt Cimber.

Rating:

A Golden AxeA Golden AxeA Golden AxeA Golden AxeA Golden Axe
(5/5)

 

“No man will ever penetrate my body with sword or himself,” says the title heroine in this acknowledged ancestor of Kill Bill.

Hundra on horseback. Admittedly, this does not require a caption.

Barbarian Movie Review: Ironmaster (1983)

Ironmaster (1983) aka La Guerra del Ferro, starring Sam Pasco and George Eastman.

Rating:

A Golden AxeA Golden AxeA Golden Axe

(3/5)

Spaghetti cannibal director Umberto Lenzi’s Ironmaster opens with a caveman wandering around Custer, South Dakota in a loincloth with an atrocious neckbeard, all set to knock-off Morricone (by Guido and Maurizio de Angelis). A tribe of scruffy savages spy some plastic elephants and complain about having weak stone-age weaponry– and good god, that actually sets up a plot!

After a battle with a local tribe of ash-covered idiots, the tribe’s resident bad guy Vood kills the tribal elders and is expelled. Vood (played by George Eastman, aka Luigi Montefiori, a 6’9” Ringo Starr look-alike) discovers iron (“a stone of divine power”) after a volcanic eruption, kills some out-of-frame lions, joins up with a hottie named Lith (a stone-age Lady MacBeth) and starts the world’s first arms race. Vood takes over the tribe, now unstoppable thanks to having one sword-shaped iron rod, and militarizes them with dreams of conquest.

He spends the rest of the movie wearing a dead lion head.

George Eastman wearing a lion on his head

"And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"

Barbarian Movie Review: Werner Herzog’s Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Review: I just watched the new Conan the Barbarian (2011) directed by Marcus Nispel.  It could have been worse, and it could have been better. Here’s a write-up of the Conan movie I actually wanted to see. Without further ado, I give you: Werner Herzog’s Conan the Barbarian (2011).

The movie opens with a voice-over by Isabella Rossellini. “The legends tell us that before the lands of time parted the red sea of space, in a world where money was made out of lava and chickens had fangs, the gods made a bet with themselves that someday a movie would be made with dubbed Italian actors in loincloths and somehow it would sweep the Academy Awards. The forger-god Klügmân knew it would take powerful magic indeed, and he bottled the necessary magic forces into a Golden Statuette and hid it deep within the bowels of the earth. The gods fought, and man was created in this war. As mankind developed he learned the basic arts of civilization: irrigation, mining, and roads. The story of Klügmân’s Golden Statuette was foretold in prophecies by magical fortune-telling witch soothsayers in leather bondage gear. And so, man began the hunt for this magical talisman, and many nations would perish before the end of this pointlessly overwrought exposition.”

The emblem of the evil Parakeet Cult

We move to a shot of the villain, Thoth Magumbo (Edward G. Robinson) and his drooling mutant henchman Gary (Michael Berryman), leaders of the evil Parakeet Cult, who peer into a cauldron and discover that the Golden Statuette has been unearthed by the Sumerians. Their inability to spell leads them to prepare a massive army to take the Golden Statuette from the Cimmerians. As Thoth Magumbo explains: “What we’re gonna do, see, is we’re gonna attack ’em, see, and we’re gonna take away that statue, nyah? Yeah, that’s what we’re gonna do, see?”

Edward G. Robinson and Michael Berryman in Werner Herzog's Conan the Barbarian

Edward G. Robinson (right) and Michael Berryman in Werner Herzog's Conan the Barbarian

Barbarian Bible Stories: The Sermon on the Mount

Another excerpt from the Holy Barbarella, the Kipchak-Cuman version of the Bible:

Matthew 7:1 Judge not [said the magic dude in the gray flannel robe], that ye be not judged. 7:2 I’m not referring to the selection of crops at the market. 7:3 Obviously you would not want to take home a rotten carrot. 7:4 In other words, it’s okay to judge some things. 7:5 It’s just common sense. 7:6 Besides, ye need not fear the judgment of a carrot. 7:7 Neither should ye fear the judgment of sheep, or other animals, or slaves. 7:8 Just don’t judge people. 7:9 Actually, even then it is something of a gray area. 7:10 If you don’t make an informed judgment now and then, you might wind up marrying your sister. 7:11 Or, when choosing a leader, you might pick an ill-informed buffoon and suffer for your caprice. 7:12 “Judge not, that ye be not judged,” is a guideline, not an order. 7:13 But still, it’s not very polite to judge. 7:14 It’s especially rude when the person is dead. 7:15 The dead cannot talk back. 7:16 It is not your place to decide whether the dead person was good or bad. 7:17 I’ll be the judge of that.

Did You Know? (Axl Rose)

Axl Rose is named for his ancestor, a Bolivian barbarian king known in La Paz as the Axolotl Lord. The Axolotl Lord enjoyed eating live frogs and human hearts. He also invented volleyball!