Archive for the ‘Barbarian Studies’ Category

Barbarian Religions: The Floobers

Monday, September 19th, 2011

The modern-day Floobers of Flathead Forest worship the wisdom of Dr. Seuss’ “Fox in Socks”. In the canon of world religions, it is one of very few holy books imbued with sacred sublimity written at the barbarian reading level, so they have taken it deeply to heart. In the Floober philosophy, Mr. Fox is the holy trinity of god, man, and quadruped. His ultimate undoing, when Mr. Knox traps Mr. Fox in a bottle, represents man’s fate.

The Floobers’ epicurean queen, Kiki Koko, recently decreed a monthly celebration to honor the epic “tweetle beetle battle” described in those pages. The philistine festivities function as follows:

First, fifteen foppish Floobers freshen fifty fancy forks for poking puny pinholes in peppered Polish pork. Freckly Floober singers fry flat frog fingers and feed five fingers to forty fatty swingers. Fitter Floober swingers forge four French flutes and feast on ferret feet and free fresh fruits. Flabby Floober fathers and purebred peasants tie ten tan tethers to well-fed pheasants so plucking plush feathers won’t be unpleasant. The cocky Floober queen then claps her hands and clasps three clams and cleans those cockles. Czech chicken chunks and chili cheese powder she chucks in the chowder (a kitchen debacle). Coquettish queen Kiki claims her quaint clams can quell a commotion, compel a compulsion, and cause a convulsion in quirky curmudgeons. She cooks canned Quahogs, crunchy crushed kumquats, curried crab crackers and calf-cream croissants. She eats the grub, scrubs the tub, and clubs a chubby cougar cub.


Barbarian Calendars

Tuesday, August 16th, 2011

Civilizations have always relied on sophisticated astronomical calendars to determine when to plant and harvest crops.  Barbarians, however, mostly used their crude calendars to determine auspicious times for starting wars, i.e. so they could get out of the house when their wives had PMS.

The classical Mongolian calendar consists of nine thirteen day months followed by one six-hundred day month. Festivals coincide with the appearance of airplanes in the sky over southeast Kyrghizstan. Nowadays, these are celebrated by stir-frying bats and serving them with chocolate chips and crushed drywall.

The Bunglorian calendar has five three-day months followed by a 350-day leap year every year. This corresponds to the Gregorian calendar, except that every day of the entire calendar is a Tuesday. This calendar predicted the birth of Christ in 957 CE and the destruction of the planet Earth in 1994.

The only other known barbarian calendar, last used in the Hyborian age, has twenty-nine three-hour months, with a twelve-second month at 6:15pm on Arbor Day. Hours are seventeen days long, except during five random festivals where time decelerates, then stops and reverses until a child is born with creepy reptilian snake eyes. These are known as Füg Flügür Cycles and the last one ended upon the birth of James Spader in 1960 CE. By the Hyborian calendar, this event occurred 1246 years before the birth of Christ.

Primitive Calendar

The Coligny Calendar, an ancient Celtic device, predicted the rise of Insane Clown Posse.