Archive for the ‘Barbarian Movie Reviews’ Category

Barbarian Movie Review: Kilma, Queen of the Amazons (1975)

Saturday, September 17th, 2011

Kilma, Queen of the Amazons (Kilma, La Reina de las Amazonas). A Spanish production filmed around Barcelona, directed by Miguel Iglesias Bonns.

Rating: 2/5 Golden Axes

A Golden AxeA Golden Axe

Summary: A thrilling island adventure that questions our understanding of civilization, barbarism, and prehistoric notions of femininity, and dares to synthesize them into a coherent statement about modernity.  Aw, who am I kidding?


Kilma, Queen of the Amazons, and Dan Robinson share a tender moment with a musket. Why is this the first picture in this review? Because, unlike the director, I didn't want to waste a lot of time with the movie's plot before showing the movie's title character.


Movie Title for Kilma, Queen of the Amazons (1975)

This is the name of the movie, not the name of the boat.


Barbarian Movie Review: Hundra (1983)

Wednesday, August 31st, 2011

Hundra (1983) Starring Laurene Landon, directed by Matt Cimber.


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“No man will ever penetrate my body with sword or himself,” says the title heroine in this acknowledged ancestor of Kill Bill.

Hundra on horseback. Admittedly, this does not require a caption.


Barbarian Movie Review: Ironmaster (1983)

Tuesday, August 30th, 2011

Ironmaster (1983) aka La Guerra del Ferro, starring Sam Pasco and George Eastman.


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Spaghetti cannibal director Umberto Lenzi’s Ironmaster opens with a caveman wandering around Custer, South Dakota in a loincloth with an atrocious neckbeard, all set to knock-off Morricone (by Guido and Maurizio de Angelis). A tribe of scruffy savages spy some plastic elephants and complain about having weak stone-age weaponry– and good god, that actually sets up a plot!

After a battle with a local tribe of ash-covered idiots, the tribe’s resident bad guy Vood kills the tribal elders and is expelled. Vood (played by George Eastman, aka Luigi Montefiori, a 6’9” Ringo Starr look-alike) discovers iron (“a stone of divine power”) after a volcanic eruption, kills some out-of-frame lions, joins up with a hottie named Lith (a stone-age Lady MacBeth) and starts the world’s first arms race. Vood takes over the tribe, now unstoppable thanks to having one sword-shaped iron rod, and militarizes them with dreams of conquest.

He spends the rest of the movie wearing a dead lion head.

George Eastman wearing a lion on his head

"And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"


Barbarian Movie Review: Werner Herzog’s Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Tuesday, August 30th, 2011

Review: I just watched the new Conan the Barbarian (2011) directed by Marcus Nispel.  It could have been worse, and it could have been better. Here’s a write-up of the Conan movie I actually wanted to see. Without further ado, I give you: Werner Herzog’s Conan the Barbarian (2011).

The movie opens with a voice-over by Isabella Rossellini. “The legends tell us that before the lands of time parted the red sea of space, in a world where money was made out of lava and chickens had fangs, the gods made a bet with themselves that someday a movie would be made with dubbed Italian actors in loincloths and somehow it would sweep the Academy Awards. The forger-god Klügmân knew it would take powerful magic indeed, and he bottled the necessary magic forces into a Golden Statuette and hid it deep within the bowels of the earth. The gods fought, and man was created in this war. As mankind developed he learned the basic arts of civilization: irrigation, mining, and roads. The story of Klügmân’s Golden Statuette was foretold in prophecies by magical fortune-telling witch soothsayers in leather bondage gear. And so, man began the hunt for this magical talisman, and many nations would perish before the end of this pointlessly overwrought exposition.”

The emblem of the evil Parakeet Cult

We move to a shot of the villain, Thoth Magumbo (Edward G. Robinson) and his drooling mutant henchman Gary (Michael Berryman), leaders of the evil Parakeet Cult, who peer into a cauldron and discover that the Golden Statuette has been unearthed by the Sumerians. Their inability to spell leads them to prepare a massive army to take the Golden Statuette from the Cimmerians. As Thoth Magumbo explains: “What we’re gonna do, see, is we’re gonna attack ’em, see, and we’re gonna take away that statue, nyah? Yeah, that’s what we’re gonna do, see?”

Edward G. Robinson and Michael Berryman in Werner Herzog's Conan the Barbarian

Edward G. Robinson (right) and Michael Berryman in Werner Herzog's Conan the Barbarian


Barbarian Movie Review: Colossus and the Headhunters

Thursday, August 18th, 2011

Editor’s note: from time to time we’ll be posting barbarian movie reviews here on  There are also quite a few more prominent titles reviewed in the book.  Movie ratings range from 1 to 5 Golden Axes. And yes, sooner or later we’ll be covering the new Conan the Barbarian movie with Jason Momoa, especially if Lion’s Gate wants to send us a screener and press kit, hint hint! Anyway, without further ado, here’s…

Colossus and the Headhunters (1963) – a.k.a. Maciste Contro i Cacciatori di Teste.  Released in the USA by American International Pictures.

A Golden AxeA Golden Axe

In this peplum pablum, Maciste (Kirk Morris) and his pompadour dye-job arrive on an island just in time for a volcano to force the inhabitants onto his raft. Maciste leads the tribe to another island, where they’re all immediately enslaved by, well, the “good” tribe, one of whom immediately shoots Maciste through the heart with a bow and arrow.  Lucky Maciste recovers in full a few minutes later. The actual bad guys are a neighboring gang of headhunters (although you’d only know it by a couple of plastic skulls on posts). After Maciste has a low-intensity romantic moment with the good-guy queen Amoa (Laura Brown) she frees the captives.  Some boring stuff happens to kill time, then Maciste winds up rescuing the queen from the leader of the evil headhunters while the two-and-a-half tribes square off and set some huts on fire.  Maciste doesn’t do much of anything for most of the movie besides stand around with his shirt off, but he eventually defeats the evil headhunter leader which ends the conflict.  Case dismissed, Maciste rides off into the sunset on his trusty raft with the queen swimming after him and declaring her eternal love.  Their inevitable breakup is left to your imagination.

That’s pretty much the entire plot.  If you’re wondering where Colossus is in all that, well, apparently he’s Maciste although they never say so in the English dub.  In English, the movies were usually retitled with another hero’s name, e.g. Samson, Goliath, Hercules, etc..  There were a few more cheesy Maciste movies before Morris retired in 1971– 25 in total (though only 5 starred Morris).  That’s not counting the 27 silent films (1914-1927) or the two in the 1970s by Jess Franco. 54 movies? Apparently Italians love them some Maciste!  This entry was written and directed by peplum veteran Guido Malatesta, whose name loosely translates as “I drive bad head.”

Colossus and the Headhunters

Maciste, a.k.a. Colossus (Kirk Morris, a.k.a. Adriano Bellini) scoffs at the Queen's request for help. Yeah, I watched the MST3K version, got a problem with that?