Archive for the ‘Barbarian Bible Stories’ Category

Barbarian Bible Stories: The Sermon on the Mount

Friday, August 26th, 2011

Another excerpt from the Holy Barbarella, the Kipchak-Cuman version of the Bible:

Matthew 7:1 Judge not [said the magic dude in the gray flannel robe], that ye be not judged. 7:2 I’m not referring to the selection of crops at the market. 7:3 Obviously you would not want to take home a rotten carrot. 7:4 In other words, it’s okay to judge some things. 7:5 It’s just common sense. 7:6 Besides, ye need not fear the judgment of a carrot. 7:7 Neither should ye fear the judgment of sheep, or other animals, or slaves. 7:8 Just don’t judge people. 7:9 Actually, even then it is something of a gray area. 7:10 If you don’t make an informed judgment now and then, you might wind up marrying your sister. 7:11 Or, when choosing a leader, you might pick an ill-informed buffoon and suffer for your caprice. 7:12 “Judge not, that ye be not judged,” is a guideline, not an order. 7:13 But still, it’s not very polite to judge. 7:14 It’s especially rude when the person is dead. 7:15 The dead cannot talk back. 7:16 It is not your place to decide whether the dead person was good or bad. 7:17 I’ll be the judge of that.

Barbarian Bible Stories: Noah’s Three Sons

Sunday, August 14th, 2011

The Holy Barbarella was an edition of the Old and New Testament that was translated extremely badly using the Codex Cumanicus, a sort of Italian-Kipchak dictionary, some time in the 12th century. It was delivered by the Byzantines to the Kipchak-Cumans, a barbarian empire covering much of the area near the Black and Caspian seas. The Kipchak-Cumans were puzzled by mistranslated lines like “I, the Lord, am your rugburn,” and decided to clear it up with some rewrites and make it much less sanctimonious and just generally punch it up for contemporary audiences. They may have gotten a little carried away. The resulting text describes acts of violence so depraved it actually makes the original Testament seem tame. Here is a sample excerpt…

GENESIS 9:20 Noah, a man of the soil, was first to plant a vineyard. 9:21 When he drank some of his wine he became drunk and lay naked in his tent. 9:22 Ham, Noah’s eldest, the father of Canaan, walked in and saw his father naked there. 9:23 Ham walked outside and sayeth to his brothers Shem and Japheth, “Hey youse guys, Pop’s drunk again.” 9:24 Sayeth Shem, “Keep quiet, you numbskulls, and let’s bringeth in a robe.” 9:25 “But Shem,” sayeth Japheth, “won’t the Lord be mad if we witness Pop’s holy dingledangler?” 9:26 Shem said, “Oh, a wise guy, eh? You won’t have to witness nothin‘,” and he thrust his two foremost fingers into Japheth’s eye-balls. 9:27 “Woob-woob-woob,” spake Ham. 9:28 But then Shem smacked Ham and Japheth’s faces in one fell swing. 9:29 Japheth grew angry and landed a large mallet upon Shem’s melon with a vigorous whack. 9:30 “Ow,” quoth Shem, and grabbed Japheth by the nose to pull him around in a circle like a bull. 9:31 Ham approached behind Shem with the mallet and prepared to give Shem a second whack. 9:32 But just then Japheth turned and kicked Shem in the shin. 9:33 Shem hopped to the side in pain, and the blow intended for Shem struck Japheth instead. 9:34 Both Japheth and Shem fell upon the ground. 9:35 “Nyuk nyuk nyuk,” spake Ham, spinning his mallet in triumph. 9:36 Then the Lord appeared and smote the three sons of Noah. 9:37 Their bodies turned transparent and they sprouted wings and flew upwards whilst strumming toy harps. 9:38 “We’s victims of soykemstance,” winked Ham.