Barbarian How-To: Surviving an Art Museum

Art museums can be desperately boring places if you’re not looting them, but every now and then you should visit one just to remind yourself why you hate civilization so much. There are a number of ways to entertain yourself while you’re there.  Have no fear, you don’t have to “get” “art” to have a good time!

1. Bring a set of paints to fix the paintings. Don’t forget your broadsword– you’ll need it if the security guards get all up in your face.

BEFORE: an old dull-ass painting by some loser in France or someplace

AFTER: a masterpiece!!

2. Make a placard that says something like “BARBARIAN – Auguste Rodin, 1873”.  Strip naked, cover yourself in gray spraypaint, stick the placard to the wall, and stand perfectly still in the sculpture wing for half an hour.  Then burp or scratch your balls and watch the reactions of the patrons.  Run out the front door while screaming about Jesus.

3. Museums would be a lot better if there weren’t always crowds of idiots gawking at everything and getting in your way.  Bring a crate full of rats and let them loose– people will clear out of the way real quick.  If that doesn’t work, try again with a crate full of lions!

4. It’s a little known fact, but some of the gold sculptures in the museums have chocolate inside.  Try to figure out which ones!

This sculpture by Constantin Brancusi... filled with delicious chocolate!

5. The worst thing in the world is performance art.  Everyone hates it, even art people… …and art people are flush with disposable money.  If you see performance art happening, put out a tip jar and promise to decapitate the performers when you reach $1,000.  If anyone complains about you, give them some pretentious BS like “I’m expressing the preconditional modalities of modernity’s subjectivity!”  They’ll be too afraid of looking stupid to make more of a fuss.

6. Get into the museum’s warehouse and steal a forklift.  Go joyriding through the museum at top speed. Critique the stuff you don’t like by bulldozing it all into one room and setting that room on fire.

7. Stand next to the most popular art works and practice your yodeling or “human beat-boxing” as loud as you can.

8. Walk up behind random patrons and start licking their necks.

9. Stare at paintings while wearing 3-D glasses and tell everyone they don’t know what they’re missing.  If anyone asks to borrow your specs, get angry and tell them to get their own goddamned pair!

10. Bring a hot glue gun.  Smash all the sculptures and reassemble them into better ones.

Now THAT'S what I call art!


Learn more about the barbarian lifestyle by reading Barbarians: A Handbook for Aspiring Savages, now available!!  Order it now or face the wrath of Crom!

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