Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Yaks (But Were Afraid to Ask)

As Genghis Khan famously declared, “Nothing comes between a barbarian and his yak.” Or, as Charles Manson put it, “A barbarian without a yak is like a basketball full of lymph.” I’m not sure what he meant, but the sentiment is clear. So if you don’t already own one, it’s time for you to sell your kids and a buy a yak. Here are some tips for selecting a good one.


1. Different breeds have different specialties. Know why you’re getting a yak: as a working animal, for food, or for love?

Striped Yak (or Mandrill Yak)

The Striped Yak (also known as the Mandrill Yak) is popular with children and Muppets.


2. There have been a number of nuclear tests in Central Asia over the years. Be sure to check that your yak has only one head.

Double-Sided Yak

Double-sided yaks like this one are a common sight in parts of Garblechhistan.


3. Check for defects and signs of wear and tear.

Yak Leaking Radiator Fluid

This unfortunate specimen is leaking radiator fluid.


4. Be wary of swindlers! Make sure you don’t accidentally buy a water buffalo.

This is not a yak.

This is not a yak.


5. Be sure you have the finances to take appropriate care of it. Your yak needs lots of cigarettes, and with some states charging $100 per carton, raising a yak can be an expensive proposition.

Smoking Yak

An adult yak can smoke up to five cartons of cigarettes in a single day!


6. Once you’ve selected the right yak for you, all that’s left is to train it.

Yak in Private School

With public schools failing at every turn, you can't afford NOT to give your yak a quality private school education.


Hopefully that addresses all the questions you ever had about yaks (but were afraid to ask). If not, maybe next time you shouldn’t be so timid about asking questions. Damnit man, grow a pair! I’m not psychic!

For more about yaks, equorts, and other farm animals of interest to budding barbarians, read Barbarians: A Handbook for Aspiring Savages, now available!!  Order it now before your yak gets angry!!


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