One of the institutions that causes a lot of confusion to barbarians is known as the “Grocery” or “Supermarket”. For millions of years, puny civilized people have gathered within these massive refrigerated warehouses to purchase Twinkies, Doritos, and lo-fat mayonnaise. Barbarians prefer to catch, kill, and defile their own food, but with the environment going to hell and wild camels disappearing from America, sometimes a barbarian must attempt to leap across the cultural divide into the limp, pathetic arms of mankind’s most embarrassing public space.
The forbidding snack aisle of a modern supermarket.
Ways in which a supermarket differs from a normal market:
– a supermarket is bigger.
– a supermarket offers plastic toys, inflatable beachballs, and ten-thousand different varieties of ketchup in 256 oz. bottles.
– conventional markets employ angry immigrants to run the cash registers; supermarkets are instead staffed by illiterate teenagers.
– whereas a normal market is immobile and stuck on the ground, a supermarket is faster than a speeding bullet and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
To identify a supermarket, look for the words “Super,” “Mart,” “Shop,” and “Adult DVD.” If you can’t read, memorize the shapes of those words. It is not a grocery if there does not appear to be food inside. Examples of non-supermarkets: lumber yards, golf courses, and hospitals. But beware, some places that seem to contain food are still not supermarkets.
Test your knowledge!
Navigating a Supermarket
(Also see Grüte Skullbasher’s epic journey in part two of this article.)
The first thing you will generally see upon entering the supermarket is what is commonly known as the “vegetable department”. This is where miserable scrawny weaklings go to shop, and is best avoided. There are also usually some flowers and charcoal briquettes, which should only be eaten in an emergency. The real food is usually in the back corner– that is, food that once contained, or still contains, kidneys, bladders, livers, etc. There you will find a friendly man with blood all over his apron. If you bribe this man, he will give you free samples of delicious raw meat!
Artist's rendering of the butcher shop of a modern supermarket. The butcher is the man with the hacksaw. The other figures are free-range humans awaiting their bloody demise.
Once you’ve gorged yourself to your satisfaction, consider taking some home as well. Just be sure you have a refrigerator at home, or that you live outdoors in the tundra, in which case, be mindful of scavenging wolves and yetis!
Most of the supermarket is filled with useless, inedible rubbish, like cat litter, breakfast cereal, and Faygo. Photo taken by Footcrunch Gibletlicker, king of central Nebraska. (He was riding on a giraffe at the time.)
Before you reach the most important aisle– cold beer– you will find numerous useless rows filled with soda and potato chips. Beer tends to be near the exit, to tempt recovering alcoholics while they dole out their hard-earned twenties to the cashier, hands shaking in miserable withdrawal.
Ahh, sweet, lovable beer– I think I’ll go have some beer right now! That’ll stop this goddamned twitching
[ Later … ]
in coclozuon, is impoerint to shop smart at moudnern suppermarket………..!!!!!!!!!11 don’t fergoet to buy Barbara anns: A Handbook For Aspirin Savviges Book!!! it is availble in a book-supermarket near you … this article? him have part 2!!
[…] Also read part 1! […]
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