Barbarian How-To: How to File Your Taxes

Tax time in America is always around the corner, so it’s time to start preparing your paperwork. Thankfully, barbarians residing in the United States might not have to pay much this year. The Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell (R-KY), has teamed with the House Majority Cat-o-Nine-Tails, Forehead Bloodslurp (R-BQ), to craft the Preventing Indigent Residents from Ventures Into Self-determination and Hope Act (“PIRVISH”) which will exempt tax payments for the following sources of income:

– lunch money beaten out of children, in cumulative excess of $1.50
– sales of other people’s property

 – royalties from heavy or death metal music
– foreign plunder in the form of jewelry, artworks, gold, silver, magical talismans, or slaves
– money laundered domestically or overseas, except in France
– revenues from films pertaining to pillaging, slaughter, or the conquest of the weak
– grants and subsidies from yak farming and the production of yak-related products (yak steak, yak butter, yak whipped cream, etc.)
– earnings from arms dealing and pimping
– all other cash money acquired illegally

The bill is retroactive to 1783, meaning the government will issue refunds to historical persons pursuing the above activities or their descendants. Any projected loss in revenue will be offset by a tax of 100% levied on Uncaucasian persons residing overseas.

Hopefully, our enlightened Congrefs and President will sign the PIRVISH Act into law, and that looks likely given the full support of pundits on all the major television networks. In the off chance that the bill is defeated, however, you’ll have to fork over your hard-earned doubloons.  Here’s how.


Paying taxes in many easy steps:

1. Go to the library and ask for a tax form.  It looks like a bunch of words on paper with the occasional blank space– sort of like Mad Libs, but without all the grammar hints.  It doesn’t matter which tax form you choose, unless you qualify as either a church or as livestock.

2. Using a pen filled with #2 blood, write in your name, address, and Social Security Number.  If you don’t know your Social Security Number, use your neighbor’s.

3. Locate each of the blank boxes on the tax form.  They usually have a number to their left, and otherwise look like this:  ______.  In each one, write the word ZERO.

4. Add up all the ZEROS.

5. Sign an X at the bottom of the form where it says something wordy about felonies and lifelong prison sentences for fraud.

6. Address a stamped envelope to:

Internal Revenue Service

1200 Norquist Boulevard

Grand Cayman, KY1-1010


7. Staple a bunch of hundred dollar bills to the form. Those are the ones with the creepy looking bald-mullet guy on them. If you think you’ve underpaid, don’t worry– some hard-working sap will make up the difference.

8. Fold the tax form in three parts, stuff it in the envelope, and drop it in the garbage.


You’re all done– and you’re just in time, with only six months to spare!!

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