1. Ice. Ice can be used to make alcoholic frozen drinks, which are popular among loose Amazons in the summertime. To make the drinks, gargle some tequila, then crush the ice with your massive jaws and spit the results out into a highball glass. Throw in some crabgrass for an excellent garnish.
2. Mice. Crushed mice make a great stew, as do rats, shrews, moles, voles, marmots, opossums, skunks, and, if you’re into foreign cuisine, tamarins.
3. Other people’s toes. A proper barbarian weighs somewhere around 300 pounds, so if you’re just feeling like having some fun, try stomping on other people’s feet when you’re riding in the elevator. They’ll be terrified and they’ll have no place to run!
4. Globes. They still have them in libraries sometimes. (Libraries are those places full of free books and are always a great source of fun, being highly flammable.) If you find a globe, demonstrate your feelings toward civilization by assaulting its false notion of a spherical planet! In other words, flatten it!
5. Nipples. Technically this is pinching more than it is crushing, but in any case, it is fun, whether they are someone else’s or your own.
6. Televisions. Especially old ones. Make sure to plug them in first. It’s probably the most fun you can have crushing something. It’s also fun to crush other people’s cellular telephones, laptops, and tablet computers. For best results, use a sledge hammer or a morning star.
7. Watermelons. Gallagher was right! What could be more satisfying than the spray of chunky green rinds and wet pink meat you get from a warhammer applied directly to a watermelon? Well, maybe human heads, but those should be reserved for combat, not smashing as a lazy weekend pastime.
8. Flowers. If you’re male, this is a great way to begin a date: buy a bouquet of flowers to show off your phony romantic side, then thrash them against the sidewalk to show your total lack of sensitivity. Girls hate whiny sensitive types. As long as the petals are still attached, you’re not done. Keep smashing them on the street until the petals are shredded, the stems are a fine powder, and the paper and cellophane are full of holes. Afterwards, bill your date for the cost of the bouquet.
9. Giant spiders. For best results, use a shoe the size of a Volkswagen.
10. Your enemies. If you’ve already crushed all your enemies, it’s time to make new ones. Try dumping your garbage in front of your neighbor’s house, abducting and enslaving their children, and lighting their car on fire. Voila: instant enemy– and very fun to crush!!
