To My Coy and Rancid Hag
This barbaric poem was discovered inside a Bazooka bubble gum wrapper that was laying next to the Dead Sea Scrolls. Some scholars say it was written by Kundar Grizzlefist (368-411 CE), while other scholars say that’s a load of crapola. All scholars agree, however, that it was written sometime in the last 120,000 years.
Your breasts are juicy cantaloupes,
your legs are like an antelope’s,
and now you say we shan’t elope,
you rancid little hag.
You say I’ve no gray matter,
my clothes are all in tatters,
all flecked with bloody splatter,
and my breath makes you gag.
You wish I’d sheath my broadsword,
and trade it for a clipboard,
disband my raging orc horde,
stop pillaging for swag—
Expect you things romantical?
Like chocolate hearts and canticles?
Then why be so pedantical?
Why needle me and nag?
I might end my flirtation,
but won’t change my vocation,
so make with the prostration,
don’t trip upon this snag:
See darling, you’re mistaken:
my savage heart ain’t breakin’,
my romance is all fakin’,
all I want’s a shag.
But now I spot the ointment
wherein the fly’s appointment
has rendered our adjoinment
elusive as a stag:
For though I feel equestrous,
you’re cycling anestrus,
the crimson gods shall pest’r us
my dear, you’re on the rag.
Though blood I oft engender,
that’s blood that I can’t tender.
My dear I must surrender,
and hoist a plain white flag.