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Grüte's Epic Journey. Map prepared by Grüte Skullbasher.

Grüte parks his Camaro Z28 (1) in the handicapped zone and runs into the store, leaving the engine running.  Once inside, he stops to eat a roasted leg of lamb he finds lying on the ground (2) and he feels slightly healthier.  At the butcher shop (3), Grüte asks for two whole cows, skinned, and lifts their carcasses onto his mighty shoulders. Dripping blood all over the store, Grüte meanders past row after row of snacks to find some cases of high-quality Bunglorian beer (4), which is made by mixing fermented barley with horse tranquilizers.  His hands are full so he shoves the beer inside the cows and runs past the cash registers.  The supermarket security force (5) attempts to stop him, but he is able to crush them and return to his car to slow-roast the cows on the hood while he drinks the cases of beer and blasts Mötörhead out of the radio.  Barbarian bikini babes arrive (not pictured) to dance, ululate, and celebrate his triumphant return.

Also read part 1!

The forbidding snack aisle of a modern supermarket.

Ways in which a supermarket differs from a normal market:

- a supermarket is bigger.

- a supermarket offers plastic toys, inflatable beachballs, and ten-thousand different varieties of ketchup in 256 oz. bottles.

- conventional markets employ angry immigrants to run the cash registers; supermarkets are instead staffed by illiterate teenagers.

- whereas a normal market is immobile and stuck on the ground, a supermarket is faster than a speeding bullet and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

To identify a supermarket, look for the words “Super,” “Mart,” “Shop,” and “Adult DVD.”  If you can’t read, memorize the shapes of those words.  It is not a grocery if there does not appear to be food inside.  Examples of non-supermarkets: lumber yards, golf courses, and hospitals.  But beware, some places that seem to contain food are still not supermarkets.

Test your knowledge!

Navigating a Supermarket

(Also see Grüte Skullbasher’s epic journey in part two of this article.)

The first thing you will generally see upon entering the supermarket is what is commonly known as the “vegetable department”.  This is where miserable scrawny weaklings go to shop, and is best avoided.  There are also usually some flowers and charcoal briquettes, which should only be eaten in an emergency. The real food is usually in the back corner– that is, food that once contained, or still contains, kidneys, bladders, livers, etc.  There you will find a friendly man with blood all over his apron.  If you bribe this man, he will give you free samples of delicious raw meat!

Artist's rendering of the butcher shop of a modern supermarket. The butcher is the man with the hacksaw. The other figures are free-range humans awaiting their bloody demise.

Once you’ve gorged yourself to your satisfaction, consider taking some home as well.  Just be sure you have a refrigerator at home, or that you live outdoors in the tundra, in which case, be mindful of scavenging wolves and yetis!

Most of the supermarket is filled with useless, inedible rubbish, like cat litter, breakfast cereal, and Faygo. Photo taken by Footcrunch Gibletlicker, king of central Nebraska. (He was riding on a giraffe at the time.)

Before you reach the most important aisle– cold beer– you will find numerous useless rows filled with soda and potato chips.  Beer tends to be near the exit, to tempt recovering alcoholics while they dole out their hard-earned twenties to the cashier, hands shaking in miserable withdrawal.

Ahh, sweet, lovable beer– I think I’ll go have some beer right now!  That’ll stop this goddamned twitching

[ Later ... ]

in coclozuon, is impoerint to shop smart at moudnern suppermarket………..!!!!!!!!!11 don’t fergoet to buy Barbara anns: A Handbook For Aspirin Savviges Book!!!  it is availble in a book-supermarket near you … this article? him have part 2!!

Buy Book!!!

]]> http://www.skullbasher.com/2011/10/28/barbarian-interest-understanding-the-supermarket-part-1/feed/ 2 http://www.skullbasher.com/2011/10/17/grute-at-nyc-comic-con-2011/ http://www.skullbasher.com/2011/10/17/grute-at-nyc-comic-con-2011/#comments Mon, 17 Oct 2011 23:37:54 +0000 Byron Clavicle http://www.skullbasher.com/?p=613 Grüte Skullbasher found himself in an unusually nonviolent mood on Saturday, Oct 15. After drinking 157 oz. of fermented ostrich blood, he crashed through a window into New York City Comic-Con 2011. He staggered around for a while, and no one was safe. Thankfully, astute photographer John Burns caught photos of the many innocent people that Grüte abducted, all of them unaware that his outfit was not a costume!

Grüte with some Amazons from Boxhead Studio

Grüte resolving an argument with his book’s editor

Grüte Skullbasher with Zulay Henao, Amazon actress (technically, Colombian) from Boy Wonder, the Movie

Grüte with a young fan

Grüte with the young fan’s mom

Grüte with Andrea Grant, creator of, and model for, Minx. Grüte accidentally blocked the Minx comic cover but you can see it here.

Grüte with Poison Ivy and, uh, a female version of Mario from Donkey Kong? Or whatever. After this, Grüte’s left arm was itchy all day.

Grüte with Batgirl. She had chosen a stylish backpack instead of the more traditional Bat Utility Belt.

Grüte was pleased to see this artifact of his ancestors.

Grüte with a female Joker Duela Dent, ready to spring into action. Criminal action!

Grüte with The Flash and Mrs. The Flash at the Insight Editions table

Grüte with Stormtrooper Superhero Showgirl Amazon and her bloodstained halberd.

Grüte reluctantly returned this woman to Comic-Con after police issued an Amber Alert

Grüte with his photographer in front of artwork by fellow barbarian Frank Frazetta.

Grüte Skullbasher, Robbie Schmidt, illustrator Scott Campbell (of “Amazing Everything”), Jake Gerli, and Kirk Demarais (author of “Mail-Order Mysteries”)

Grüte passed out on the bus back to Passaic, exhausted from crushing so many heads and robbing a Duane-Reade.

1. Different breeds have different specialties. Know why you’re getting a yak: as a working animal, for food, or for love?

The Striped Yak (also known as the Mandrill Yak) is popular with children and Muppets.

2. There have been a number of nuclear tests in Central Asia over the years. Be sure to check that your yak has only one head.

Double-sided yaks like this one are a common sight in parts of Garblechhistan.

3. Check for defects and signs of wear and tear.

This unfortunate specimen is leaking radiator fluid.

4. Be wary of swindlers! Make sure you don’t accidentally buy a water buffalo.

This is not a yak.

5. Be sure you have the finances to take appropriate care of it. Your yak needs lots of cigarettes, and with some states charging $100 per carton, raising a yak can be an expensive proposition.

An adult yak can smoke up to five cartons of cigarettes in a single day!

6. Once you’ve selected the right yak for you, all that’s left is to train it.

With public schools failing at every turn, you can't afford NOT to give your yak a quality private school education.

Hopefully that addresses all the questions you ever had about yaks (but were afraid to ask). If not, maybe next time you shouldn’t be so timid about asking questions. Damnit man, grow a pair! I’m not psychic!

For more about yaks, equorts, and other farm animals of interest to budding barbarians, read Barbarians: A Handbook for Aspiring Savages, now available!!  Order it now before your yak gets angry!!

Buy Book!!!

1. Bring a set of paints to fix the paintings. Don’t forget your broadsword– you’ll need it if the security guards get all up in your face.

BEFORE: an old dull-ass painting by some loser in France or someplace

AFTER: a masterpiece!!

2. Make a placard that says something like “BARBARIAN – Auguste Rodin, 1873″.  Strip naked, cover yourself in gray spraypaint, stick the placard to the wall, and stand perfectly still in the sculpture wing for half an hour.  Then burp or scratch your balls and watch the reactions of the patrons.  Run out the front door while screaming about Jesus.

3. Museums would be a lot better if there weren’t always crowds of idiots gawking at everything and getting in your way.  Bring a crate full of rats and let them loose– people will clear out of the way real quick.  If that doesn’t work, try again with a crate full of lions!

4. It’s a little known fact, but some of the gold sculptures in the museums have chocolate inside.  Try to figure out which ones!

This sculpture by Constantin Brancusi...

...is filled with delicious chocolate!

5. The worst thing in the world is performance art.  Everyone hates it, even art people… …and art people are flush with disposable money.  If you see performance art happening, put out a tip jar and promise to decapitate the performers when you reach $1,000.  If anyone complains about you, give them some pretentious BS like “I’m expressing the preconditional modalities of modernity’s subjectivity!”  They’ll be too afraid of looking stupid to make more of a fuss.

6. Get into the museum’s warehouse and steal a forklift.  Go joyriding through the museum at top speed. Critique the stuff you don’t like by bulldozing it all into one room and setting that room on fire.

7. Stand next to the most popular art works and practice your yodeling or “human beat-boxing” as loud as you can.

8. Walk up behind random patrons and start licking their necks.

9. Stare at paintings while wearing 3-D glasses and tell everyone they don’t know what they’re missing.  If anyone asks to borrow your specs, get angry and tell them to get their own goddamned pair!

10. Bring a hot glue gun.  Smash all the sculptures and reassemble them into better ones.

Now THAT'S what I call art!

Learn more about the barbarian lifestyle by reading Barbarians: A Handbook for Aspiring Savages, now available!!  Order it now or face the wrath of Crom!

Buy Book!!

- lunch money beaten out of children, in cumulative excess of $1.50
- sales of other people’s property

 - royalties from heavy or death metal music
- foreign plunder in the form of jewelry, artworks, gold, silver, magical talismans, or slaves
- money laundered domestically or overseas, except in France
- revenues from films pertaining to pillaging, slaughter, or the conquest of the weak
- grants and subsidies from yak farming and the production of yak-related products (yak steak, yak butter, yak whipped cream, etc.)
- earnings from arms dealing and pimping
- all other cash money acquired illegally

The bill is retroactive to 1783, meaning the government will issue refunds to historical persons pursuing the above activities or their descendants. Any projected loss in revenue will be offset by a tax of 100% levied on Uncaucasian persons residing overseas.

Hopefully, our enlightened Congrefs and President will sign the PIRVISH Act into law, and that looks likely given the full support of pundits on all the major television networks. In the off chance that the bill is defeated, however, you’ll have to fork over your hard-earned doubloons.  Here’s how.

Paying taxes in many easy steps:

1. Go to the library and ask for a tax form.  It looks like a bunch of words on paper with the occasional blank space– sort of like Mad Libs, but without all the grammar hints.  It doesn’t matter which tax form you choose, unless you qualify as either a church or as livestock.

2. Using a pen filled with #2 blood, write in your name, address, and Social Security Number.  If you don’t know your Social Security Number, use your neighbor’s.

3. Locate each of the blank boxes on the tax form.  They usually have a number to their left, and otherwise look like this:  ______.  In each one, write the word ZERO.

4. Add up all the ZEROS.

5. Sign an X at the bottom of the form where it says something wordy about felonies and lifelong prison sentences for fraud.

6. Address a stamped envelope to:

Internal Revenue Service

1200 Norquist Boulevard

Grand Cayman, KY1-1010

CAYMAN ISLANDS

7. Staple a bunch of hundred dollar bills to the form. Those are the ones with the creepy looking bald-mullet guy on them. If you think you’ve underpaid, don’t worry– some hard-working sap will make up the difference.

8. Fold the tax form in three parts, stuff it in the envelope, and drop it in the garbage.

You’re all done– and you’re just in time, with only six months to spare!!

This barbaric poem was discovered inside a Bazooka bubble gum wrapper that was laying next to the Dead Sea Scrolls. Some scholars say it was written by Kundar Grizzlefist (368-411 CE), while other scholars say that’s a load of crapola.  All scholars agree, however, that it was written sometime in the last 120,000 years. 

Your breasts are juicy cantaloupes,
your legs are like an antelope’s,
and now you say we shan’t elope,
you rancid little hag.

You say I’ve no gray matter,
my clothes are all in tatters,
all flecked with bloody splatter,
and my breath makes you gag.

You wish I’d sheath my broadsword,
and trade it for a clipboard,
disband my raging orc horde,
stop pillaging for swag—

Expect you things romantical?
Like chocolate hearts and canticles?
Then why be so pedantical?
Why needle me and nag?

I might end my flirtation,
but won’t change my vocation,
so make with the prostration,
don’t trip upon this snag:

See darling, you’re mistaken:
my savage heart ain’t breakin’,
my romance is all fakin’,
all I want’s a shag.

But now I spot the ointment
wherein the fly’s appointment
has rendered our adjoinment
elusive as a stag:

For though I feel equestrous,
you’re cycling anestrus,
the crimson gods shall pest’r us
my dear, you’re on the rag.

Though blood I oft engender,
that’s blood that I can’t tender.
My dear I must surrender,
and hoist a plain white flag.

]]> http://www.skullbasher.com/2011/09/22/barbarian-poetry-to-my-coy-and-rancid-hag/feed/ 0 http://www.skullbasher.com/2011/09/20/10-things-that-are-fun-to-crush/ http://www.skullbasher.com/2011/09/20/10-things-that-are-fun-to-crush/#comments Tue, 20 Sep 2011 19:16:51 +0000 Byron Clavicle http://www.skullbasher.com/?p=417 1. Ice.  Ice can be used to make alcoholic frozen drinks, which are popular among loose Amazons in the summertime.  To make the drinks, gargle some tequila, then crush the ice with your massive jaws and spit the results out into a highball glass.  Throw in some crabgrass for an excellent garnish.

2. Mice.  Crushed mice make a great stew, as do rats, shrews, moles, voles, marmots, opossums, skunks, and, if you’re into foreign cuisine, tamarins.

3. Other people’s toes.  A proper barbarian weighs somewhere around 300 pounds, so if you’re just feeling like having some fun, try stomping on other people’s feet when you’re riding in the elevator.  They’ll be terrified and they’ll have no place to run!

4. Globes.  They still have them in libraries sometimes. (Libraries are those places full of free books and are always a great source of fun, being highly flammable.)  If you find a globe, demonstrate your feelings toward civilization by assaulting its false notion of a spherical planet!  In other words, flatten it!

5. Nipples.  Technically this is pinching more than it is crushing, but in any case, it is fun, whether they are someone else’s or your own.

6. Televisions.  Especially old ones.  Make sure to plug them in first.  It’s probably the most fun you can have crushing something.  It’s also fun to crush other people’s cellular telephones, laptops, and tablet computers.  For best results, use a sledge hammer or a morning star.

7. Watermelons.  Gallagher was right!  What could be more satisfying than the spray of chunky green rinds and wet pink meat you get from a warhammer applied directly to a watermelon?  Well, maybe human heads, but those should be reserved for combat, not smashing as a lazy weekend pastime.

8. Flowers.  If you’re male, this is a great way to begin a date: buy a bouquet of flowers to show off your phony romantic side, then thrash them against the sidewalk to show your total lack of sensitivity. Girls hate whiny sensitive types. As long as the petals are still attached, you’re not done.  Keep smashing them on the street until the petals are shredded, the stems are a fine powder, and the paper and cellophane are full of holes.  Afterwards, bill your date for the cost of the bouquet.

9. Giant spiders. For best results, use a shoe the size of a Volkswagen.

10.  Your enemies.  If you’ve already crushed all your enemies, it’s time to make new ones.  Try dumping your garbage in front of your neighbor’s house, abducting and enslaving their children, and lighting their car on fire.  Voila: instant enemy– and very fun to crush!!